That roller coaster ride of emotion
I found a very inspiring love note written beautifully on the Thought Catalog blog, and thought I would also write one of my very own… because of course, I have just recently stumbled (literally) upon someone I really like. It’s been about 7 years since the last time I’ve felt this way about someone. The feeling came onto me so strong, I had this dying need to write about it.
Without further ado, here’s what I have been feeling during my two-week break from blogging:
Dear [Insert crushes name here],
In case you didn’t already know the reason why I give you really awkward stares and/or look down at the ground shyly while trying to hold your gaze when you approach me… I like you.
In fact, I really like you. I like you so much, it distracts me to the point where the only opinion I care about is yours. No one else has quite raised my social anxiety levels in comparison to the way you have. I really don’t mean that in an offensive way, but it’s something I tend to feel around lots of people. Under these circumstances though, it honestly makes it easier for me to talk to other people. I can’t manage to speak a single word to you without it coming up in the form of word vomit and stuttering. I’m always unprepared every time I talk to you. It never seems to matter how many times I practice having conversations with you in the comfort of my own home. I wouldn’t be surprised if you had absolutely no idea that you make me feel this way. You have done nothing out of the ordinary of what you usually do when you’re around. Yet here I am, feeling like such a giddy mess when I see or think about you.
It’s amazing how a single person can do this to you. It gradually changes the way you act and the way you feel. When really, all you do is smile lightly at me, and maybe even wave while soon after asking me how my day is going. Why is it so hard for me to answer such a silly question? I haven’t always been this way when I speak to you. I guess it could be that I sort of want you to know that I like you through my behavior and actions… rather than having me go up and tell you myself. The thought is too daunting to bear.
And I’m always careful about how often I see you, even though I wish I could see you more often. I also understand that you and I don’t necessarily know each other anymore than two acquaintances would. Because we are just that; you need your space and I need mine. Which is fine, considering I won’t be prepared to talk to you again the next time we cross paths anyways, most likely.
And you know what’s so frustrating? I think we might have a bit of an age gap between us. You could have the potential of being older than me by 15-20 years, yet the one thing I’m really after is your fantastic personality. It makes you look cute. When you struck a conversation with me that day we first met in October, I never thought I would like you this much. I like how you never came onto me as quickly as a few guys have done in the past. I also know we have a thing or two in common. You talk to me and listen very intently when I speak, as if you care about what I say. Whether you do or not, I can’t tell the difference. It’s always so hard to read you and how you really feel.
I recall a time when my coworker and I thought you were more in my age range. Has anyone ever told you that you look very good for your age? However old that may be. She had always told me how she thought you looked at me as if I was the only person in the room when you’re talking to me. I still hope it’s true, even though I know you could have just been giving me your full attention without the butterflies flying in your chest.
I also like how you have no fear telling me your personal opinions about life and other people… and how you could care less about what others think. I guess I like that because… well… I kinda wish I was like that in a way too, but I’m always more careful than you are.
You infatuate me in so many ways, but that’s really all it is. We don’t know a whole lot about each other to know or understand what true love is. I know, I get it. It may be me playing with my own ignorance with this thought of you, because you and I may never be. I have no doubt in my mind that that’s my unfortunate fate. I’m a terrible mess, and I don’t feel like I deserve you anyways.
Though if we are meant to be, then I will just let nature take it’s course… It will probably happen when I least expect it if it does. In the meantime, I will just sit here with the party of daydreams in my head until it just wears off on me. Even if things don’t happen between us, I at least have a way of distracting myself from my daily social anxieties for the while.
So for whatever happens in reality, this letter probably won’t make a difference. But it does remove the feelings from my chest for a while. And if it’s not me you are looking for, no worries. I still hope you find the love of your life someday. You deserve it.
A/N: I know it has been a few weeks since the last time I’ve made a blog post. I could give you an array of excuses, but it’s mainly my struggle with Pre-Calculus this term (and my little “distraction” I mentioned above). My apologies to those who have wondered.